Earring Aids

I have female problems.

I’m not talking about hormones, or estrogen, or progestrogen, or indigestion, or indigestrogen, or hydrogen or periods and womanly bodily functions and crap. That is not what this is about.

There are simple things that normal females can do that I have somehow never learned. Apparently those motor skills never developed during puberty.

My main problem are earrings. They have been a thorn in my . . . ear?

I pierced my ears on a whim when I was 18, an official adult according to the United States of America. That may have been long overdue seeing as some girls have pierced ears from infancy.


Well, it hurt. It hurt like a mother . . . flipping a child across the living room into the fireplace. I am a wimp when it comes to all things with needles. In this case, it was a gun. You would be faint if you had a piercing gun held to your lobe too, I’m sure (I’m not so sure).

Everyone who’s anyone knows that after you pierce your ears you have to keep them in for something like a month or so. You clean them and you turn them and you make sure the hole doesn’t close up in the meantime.

When I was finally able to take my earrings out, I was so excited. Here’s where the problem occurred: how in the name of heaven and earth was I supposed to put them back in?

Seems easy, I know. Take the earring, jab it back in the hole. No big deal. Done.

What you may not realize is that there are not one, but two holes! Mind. Blown.

One hole where the earring enters the front of your lobe and one where it exits out the back.

This is more than I bargained for.

That first time putting my earrings in took over an hour–I’m under exaggerating here.

I would go into the bathroom to watch my technique in the mirror. Earring would go in the front hole without a problem, but I’d have to fish around to find that exit hole. Finding the back made me queasy. So queasy my vision would start blurring and black spots would appear.

This is when I decided it’d probably be smart to take a break and lie down in bed.

So I did. Until the dizzy spell passed. Then I’d get right back up, go into the bathroom and try again. And again. And again until I’d start blacking out.

It’s a sad sight to picture an 18 year-old girl blacking out from putting her earring in. So sad.

I don’t regularly wear earrings because of how much work they are. So, when I do it’s due to the realization that I do not want the holes to close.

This happened recently.

So, I put my little studs in and wore my swollen ears with relief. The holes had not closed! Hurray! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!

It was painful, though. I swear I ripped through flesh on that back end, but whatever, I got them in and in they were staying!

However, when nighttime came upon the little street on which I reside, I wanted to take them out so I could give my ears a break. Big. Mistake.

Earrings are so strong–you don’t even know the half of it. If I were Samson with all my hair, I would not have been able to pry the backing from the stud.

If I am a T-rex chasing after my next dinosaur meal, earrings are the meteors that wiped me out of existence.

If I am freshly fallen snow, earrings are the dogs that piss me to yellow.

If I am the last piece of double fudge chocolate cake, earrings are the fat kid who’s just been told he can’t have dessert.

I never even stood a chance.

But I wasn’t going to be defeated by tiny diamond earrings–sparkling at me like they’re so cute and pretty. I see through your shiny exterior, you hard mother trucker.

The battle between my earrings and I went on through the night. There was a lot of huffing. A lot of puffing. A lot of blowing the house down. There were also a lot of tears and sighs and sweat and blood.

But let me tell you, after spending near 30 minutes on each earring, I showed those devils who’s boss. And that’s me. I’m the boss. I rocked those earrings and then I put them in again the next morning.

It’s a vicious cycle. It really is–but it’s all a part of life, am I right? (I am most likely wrong).

Perhaps they should send someone home with you who’s skilled in the art of putting earrings in and taking earrings out, you know, like as a complementary gift when you get your ears pierced. Like how you purchase antiseptic, maybe a free assistant, butler, aide, indentured servant (. . . no?) person could be added onto the bill. Just a thought.



29 thoughts on “Earring Aids

    • It is?! How long does it take until it’s easy? I still haven’t taken my earrings out because I’m too afraid of having to put them back in. Ah, cest la vie, am I right? JK.

  1. this was me! I got my ears pierced when I was 17 and went through the exact same hell you have just described, but with fewer amusing pictures. None, in fact. It does get easier, but you gotta keep cleaning the holes!

    • Oh, I do clean them! I basically drink antiseptic. I bathe in it. For two tiny earrings. It’s the worst. I guess if it gets better I should take them out soon and try again . . .

  2. I got my earlobes pierced about 20 years ago when I was about 7 years old and I can STILL remember that gun! I was lucky because my mom arranged it so that two women each took an ear and did it at the same time. Then I got a cookie!

    Anyway…I sometimes feel that having my ears piercing is incredibly annoying and find my doing exactly what you mentioned in this post “So, when I do it’s due to the realization that I do not want the holes to close.” That cracked me up!

    Sometimes I have a hard time poking the earring all the way through, too–especially if it’s not a straight-back. But it is rare at this point. When I struggle, what works for me is that I then do it backwards. It’s kinda gross (get your ‘eewws ready’), but sometimes there’s just gunk stuck in there. Going from backwards to forwards can sometimes clear it out (make sure to disinfect) and all is well.

    One more thought I had, which and maybe you already thought this too and I’m just being annoying,…do you think it’s possible that your piercing is crooked? Maybe the gun wasn’t perfectly straight so it’s off center and that is why it’s difficult?

    What’s ALSO funny (sorry this is getting long) is that I got my upper ears pierced when I was a teen. I could not change that earring because of what you mentioned, too. The getting dizzy and nauseous and black spots. Just like you said, I also had to lay on the bed, wait, and try again. Eventually, I gave up and just let the holes close!

    • I know exactly what gunk you’re talking about! Is it disgusting that I really like being able to unclog that? I usually douse my ears in antiseptic and use a qtip–it’s oddly satisfying. It’s definitely possible my piercing is crooked; I think the back hole is lower . . . it’s really bothersome. Haha this was the most helpful comment πŸ˜›

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  4. I had mine pierced almost 40 years ago and I still struggle to get the earrings in some days. If that happens I take a rest and then try a different pair – just seems to work!

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  9. Yikes, ladies! If it’s that hard, let ’em close up and get someone more qualified to pierce them. They should be pierced straight through so that the earrings just kinda pop in, easy as pie! I wish I could say I wouldn’t wish this madness on anyone, but I loved the story it produced… and also really loved the dinosaur. *sighs happily* What a lovely read. πŸ™‚

    • Thank you! That was the first time I’ve ever drawn a dinosaur . . . and actually tried to make it look real. Usually a opt for the cute kind–I was pretty impressed with myself πŸ™‚ So thank you for the compliment, it means more than you know.

      • No worries! Can I use the image (with appropriate credits and a link back, of course)? I don’t have a particular use for it, yet, but I’m always on the lookout for great looking dino images. πŸ˜€

  10. This is exactly me when I was 20. I had my ears originally pierced when I was a child (5?), but had one partially torn out when I was 10. I fainted when my mom pulled that blood encrusted earring out and I swore off earrings. I’m a total freak when it comes to anything medical, ESPECIALLY needles. So I decided to get my ears re-pierced when I was 20 to show everyone who’s boss. I paid for my earrings, then the girl at the counter started talking about all the things that could go wrong, how important it is to keep it clean, yadda yadda. She tells me to come behind the counter to sit in the chair and I faint on the way there. I remember her asking me if I’m ok and I’m like, “uh, huh…” Might have been a good thing. I was so numb from fainting that I don’t remember it hurting! I remember being so excited to take them out the first time and put something pretty in… omg, it was a bitch to get anything in! This was totally me for at least a year. They are easy peasy now. One of them gives me some trouble every now and then. I find that putting some water or alcohol on the earring helps lube it up. Small hoop earrings are nice too because the gauge wire is smaller than a stud, so if you have trouble getting them in but don’t want them to close its a nice alternative. I’m sure yours will get easier. πŸ™‚

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  12. I just took out my earrings today after waiting 6 long weeks. I was sooo excited to be able to wear all the pretty earrings! After finally managing to take them out I am scared as hell to put them back in. Reading this helped me out quite a bit but I am still terrified! I tried yelling at myself to not be a baby and whatnot, but I’m still quite scared.

    • Have you been able to put them in yet, or have you blacked out and are now comatose from defeat? Either way, best of luck to you!! I still have to psych myself up to put my earrings back in–I should really just stick to one pair and leave them in forever. But I’m sure you’ll do fine. Practice makes perfect, I hear. I’m not sure if it’s true . . . but I hear it.

      • Well I was able to put new earrings in, and then change then again! I cannot say how proud I was of myself. I still get scare to change them, but it’s not so bad. Thanks for helping me out πŸ™‚

  13. Same thing happened to me! I got my ears pierced at 12. They got blocked up so I repierced them 7 weeks ago (both times hurt like hell) and getting earrings through the other side has been a bitch since! I’m always reluctant to take them out because I hate having to put it through two holes, like you, I never thought about that!! So it was a real shocker when I tried to change my earrings the first time! I think you need to leave yours in for a longer amount of time and keep twisting them so they won’t close up next time

  14. I got mine pierced 5 weeks ago but I took them out and cleaned them.. while putting them in my right started bleeding so I let my mom put it in. Then I got my left to go in. Immediately after i felt like i was going to faint so my mom put the back on for me.. I never fainted.. but my mom said her first time she did.

  15. i just got my ears pierced about 6 weeks ago and I changed them for the first time and when my mom took the piercing earrings out on the right ear I got really dizzy and didn’t fell good

  16. I had my ears pierced 14 weeks ago and it does get easier. Firstly I fainted in my school when my mum put the earrings in and again at home and I found out that if you put earrings in yourself you won’t faint it, for me was just the fear of someone fiddling with my ear and me not being able to see what they are doing.

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